Sadly, this author must announce the end of this blog.
Barbie, my beloved friend, and world-beating badass that she is, has resigned her post as Pepper Potts to Don Draper, and warden of the Melvin. Moving on to bigger and better things as she deserves. Love her and wish her all the luck and success in the known universe. However, this means I will no longer be given updates of Melvin’s ridiculousness.
Hope you’ve enjoyed,
Melvin took the family “treasure hunting” this weekend. By “treasure hunting” I mean they used a metal detector around someone’s neighborhood. He was bragging that they found 29 cents.
Barbie: “So, how long were you out there?”
Melvin: “About 4 hours.”
Barbie: “…………….uh…..good job.”
He calls buying a $900 metal detector an investment because he found 29 cents with 4 hours of work.
Move over, Stephen Hawking. There’s a new genius in town.
Collected via e-mail August 19, 2013
Melvin was telling me how the mall Santa’s make $22,000 for one month of work….
Joe: “Melvin, why don’t YOU do it You know, be a Santa for a month?
Melvin: “I don’t weigh enough.”
Barbie: “Melvin, I’m pretty sure the big belly is as fake as their beards. I mean, I don’t have to be an actual midget to be hired as an Elf.”
Melvin: “It’s illegal to say that word….midget.”
Barbie: “No, it’s not.”
Melvin: “Well you should respect them anyway. They’re half human, too, you know.”
This is not a joke. This is the crappy reality of the environment I work in. I repeat. This is not a joke.
Collected via email 12/20/2012
So, Melvin says he’s in the comic book business. I asked how much money his business pulls in. He said, “Well, I own about 30 thousand dollars worth of comic books.” I repeated my question. He said, “Well…..I haven’t started selling any. I just buy them for now.”
Ah. I see. In that case, I’m in the jewelry business and my husband is in the fast food business. We’re quite the successful couple.
collected via email 9-14-2011
Oh, God. Now that Chaz Bono is in the spotlight, Melvin’s head is going to explode in a volcanic judgmental eruption of sexist, homophobic, ignorant lava.
Kill me now.
later that day
How does Melvin read this: “You know, it just kind of shows why for me it’s important to be on the show, because so little still is known about what it means to be transgender,” he told ABC News
“And there’s so many just completely inaccurate stereotypes and thoughts that people have.”
And translate it like this:”Sponsors are pulling out of DWTS because Chaz Bono was on T.V. chanting, ‘Transgender Forever!’ “
What? Um….no they aren’t, and no he didn’t.
And it begins…..
I said, “Melvin….I’m so sorry you take offense to a transgender person being on your Ballroom Dancing show. I mean, this totally disrupts your extremely heterosexual activity of watching BALLROOM DANCING ON T.V.”
Aaaaand sweet, sweet silence. It IS quite golden.
collected via email on 9-6-2011
Melvin: “They captured an actual Chupacabra!”
Barbie: “No, they didn’t.”
Melvin: “There are pictures and everything. Come look!”
Barbie: “That is a dog with mange.”
Melvin: “No it isn’t.”
Barbie: “Yes, it is. That is a DOG. With no hair because of a bad case of mange.”
Melvin: “They did a DNA test on it. The results will come in soon. You’ll see.”
I keep waiting for Morpheus to enter my office and tell me to choose between a red pill and a blue pill. This shit is unreal.
collected via email 8-17-2011
Barbie is dog-sitting for a client while they’re in a meeting with Don Draper today.
So this dog I’m sitting is sweet. She likes me. And she growls every time Melvin passes my desk. He said her stomach rumbling because she’s hungry. Sure. And she’s only hungry when you walk by, Melvin. In fact, she’s so hungry, her lips curl back while her stomach growls. He’s in denial. Dogs can smell evil.
collected via email 8-8-2011